I'll draw fucked up shit again! On purpose! And you will like it or else...!

I think my mind needs another ways of release my frustration. 

I've had enough with nightmares, extreme anxiety and night depression... so I thought on doing the same I did when (as I told to a friend) my best friend left in order to follow her own ninja way. 

 I remember at that time I started to draw a lot, three or more sketches per day. I even started to date each sketch I made because I wanted to keep track of my grief stages.It wasn't on purpose but a symptom of anxiety.

I'm no good at saying good-bye when I don't want to, but more than a year has passed... and the last one of my beloved friends is starting to get away. So I feel like soon I'll be facing one more set of stages. 

I keep thinking that it sucks when someone else has to tell you the obvious: It'll get worse. 

Last week I tried to call one of them. Must be that I'm turning paranoid but now I wonder if he really couldn't hear me or if he was faking. I try to dispose that kind of thought because of how stupid and  improbable it sounds. Still, for a minute I thought I heard one more voice in the room. I freaked out. Does he still visit them? Do they hang along while I'm here alone with my sadness? Why none of them told me what I did wrong? 

So the only thing I could think of doing was to ask him if he had some spare time. I didn't told him why though... that must be why even when I just intended to speak with him I ended up forgetting the whole "I miss my friends" matter. 

Speaking of which, I had a great time. I think this last time we met was the only one I got to listen to him as he is as a friend. And it made me very happy... because I'm a ridiculous person.
I still wonder why he suddenly was so open with me. That and I think I screwed it up... again. I blame the fever I got but I cannot turn all the fault on it. I hate this part of me. I think I have to accept that I'm just too clumsy to interact with people (specially with people I like) and I have no idea how to handle it. 

Back to the main point. I thought that I could try and externalize all the shit I got inside of my mind and see if that helps me to overcome it. 

Because yeah, sure, I could just go find a psychologist or new friends but, why bother when I can keep insisting on doing it by my self? So I'll just keep doing creepy and not-very-original drawings with very personal meanings and shit...

I hate to be so needy.

It's missing red

I don't know what's going on anymore. At morning I'm OK just like any other person. Living the life, watching TV, doing my homework, talking with my friends, etc. But as soon as night falls and I find my self alone and in the silence of everyone else's slumber my humor starts to degrade. My thoughts go to a darker place and I start to recall all my frustrations.  And I simply cannot deal with them. 

Last week I had a nightmare, apparently the fear it conveyed to me was so intense I suddenly awake, in the middle of a scream. If that sort of moaning you manage to make when you're half asleep counts as a scream... yeah I think it was intense enough to call it a scream... half asleep scream
I still remember that other time when similarly I awake from a dream crying and feeling miserable. 
For a couple of weeks I started to consider writing suicide notes as a hobby. However, I don't consider of concern this particular issue, but I admit it is a little weird. 

Right now, the time is 13:28 and I'm feeling... alright I guess.

The one and only thing that I could consider or identify  as bothering me in this moment is not knowing if anything will happen with him, but this "consternation" is fleeting. I'm conscious that I cling to that matter because it amuses me thou'...

The strange comes when I have to point out that I'm feeling anxious, very anxious. But I have no idea why...

On a side note, I'm willing to retake my twisted themed drawings. I think its a more honest way of drawing and right now I need to do that...
I still draw like this but only in my personal and "paper based" journal so they are not for the public eye (laugh at this please). Now, besides the supposed therapeutic purposes I think it will serve,  I'm planning to do more oh these to  disturb and delight my acquaintances by showing them these. 

Ha Ha