Tantrum - again with the same shit

The good doctor told me I have to accept that friends come an go, that not everyone will have time whenever I want them to. I know that, I've been trying to cope with that since I got out f high school. Still, I think I didn't want it to be real in front of my eyes, that's why when the brothers stopped talking to me was so painful. I decided to clench to him, I'll admit that much. I decided he was my best friend and so I would never let him go, because I didn't want to, because I was convinced I needed him so I wouldn't collapse. Not completely at least.

As always, someone else's words came crashing into me. I can't rely on him forever. I can say he's my best friend all I want but he wont stay forever, he has a life of his own, has a loving family and stuff, has other friends, other interests, other direction. I don't even know what my direction is yet. At this point I'm just some people occasional concern and as I grow older, it gets more and more uncomfortable.  I don't want that, no one wants that.

Some time ago I thought I'm no material for a relationship, I'm still at it. I'm too childish, immature, unreliable, dependent; if I was still in my teens that wouldn't be so bad but... I'm not. At my age, I think I couldn't manage to get along with what a relationship would demand of someone my age. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I can't possibly think my life being with anyone. 
I used to think that as long as I was with my friends I wouldn't need any other person in my life, that was when I turned my back on my family. The only thing that has changed since then, was that my friends are now different people. I get it, it's the natural flow of things, you make new acquaintances as you go. I don't like it. I'll start to accept it. To deal with it. To live with it. 
I thought I was doing it as well as one could expect but in recent days, I learned from my friends that I talk in my sleep. Fuck. I talk in my sleep. One thing I always thought to be the very sign of someone's mind getting fucked up. I talk in my sleep, I scream and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I wonder if it has something to do with what all of these, besides of course, the fact that I practically have finished my major and still have no idea of what I'll be doing with my stupid life. My plans didn't go this far. 
So... currently I'm trying not to think too much about it. I get out, try to get more sociable, talk more, smile more. 

I haven't talked to him... I don't know for how many days... He hasn't answered my - only - call nor my messages. For the third time. I'm tired. I want to give up. I don't really care what his reasons are. I've tried to be understanding. Fuck it. I'm tired of being always the only one who calls, the one who writes. I know I'm the only one who have so much free time and is almost responsibilities free, but I can't help but feel a little alone, even forgotten, but is as things must be. We're individuals after all. I feel as if the world is trying to kill me from inside or maybe I've read to many fairy tales. I have to learn to let go. This shit is already expiring. I keep thinking this is what happens with everybody else who is looking desperately for a lover: They are actually looking for a never ending friendship.
But there's also the possibility that I'm being too pessimistic. Who knows.
Well, this is what it has become. 
My friends won't be the most important thing i my life. I guess it should be me now. Me and only me. No more attachment. I tried it before and it only brought me nightmares, night sadness, stress, the loss of most of my hair and depression in general. 
I feel mad. At the good doctor, at my friends, at my family, at my self. Let's see if I start to appreciate moments and experiences more than people. 

This is me being overly dramatic. Drama will kill me some day. Figuratively, literally, both. I guess.

I'll draw fucked up shit again! On purpose! And you will like it or else...!

I think my mind needs another ways of release my frustration. 

I've had enough with nightmares, extreme anxiety and night depression... so I thought on doing the same I did when (as I told to a friend) my best friend left in order to follow her own ninja way. 

 I remember at that time I started to draw a lot, three or more sketches per day. I even started to date each sketch I made because I wanted to keep track of my grief stages.It wasn't on purpose but a symptom of anxiety.

I'm no good at saying good-bye when I don't want to, but more than a year has passed... and the last one of my beloved friends is starting to get away. So I feel like soon I'll be facing one more set of stages. 

I keep thinking that it sucks when someone else has to tell you the obvious: It'll get worse. 

Last week I tried to call one of them. Must be that I'm turning paranoid but now I wonder if he really couldn't hear me or if he was faking. I try to dispose that kind of thought because of how stupid and  improbable it sounds. Still, for a minute I thought I heard one more voice in the room. I freaked out. Does he still visit them? Do they hang along while I'm here alone with my sadness? Why none of them told me what I did wrong? 

So the only thing I could think of doing was to ask him if he had some spare time. I didn't told him why though... that must be why even when I just intended to speak with him I ended up forgetting the whole "I miss my friends" matter. 

Speaking of which, I had a great time. I think this last time we met was the only one I got to listen to him as he is as a friend. And it made me very happy... because I'm a ridiculous person.
I still wonder why he suddenly was so open with me. That and I think I screwed it up... again. I blame the fever I got but I cannot turn all the fault on it. I hate this part of me. I think I have to accept that I'm just too clumsy to interact with people (specially with people I like) and I have no idea how to handle it. 

Back to the main point. I thought that I could try and externalize all the shit I got inside of my mind and see if that helps me to overcome it. 

Because yeah, sure, I could just go find a psychologist or new friends but, why bother when I can keep insisting on doing it by my self? So I'll just keep doing creepy and not-very-original drawings with very personal meanings and shit...

I hate to be so needy.

It's missing red

I don't know what's going on anymore. At morning I'm OK just like any other person. Living the life, watching TV, doing my homework, talking with my friends, etc. But as soon as night falls and I find my self alone and in the silence of everyone else's slumber my humor starts to degrade. My thoughts go to a darker place and I start to recall all my frustrations.  And I simply cannot deal with them. 

Last week I had a nightmare, apparently the fear it conveyed to me was so intense I suddenly awake, in the middle of a scream. If that sort of moaning you manage to make when you're half asleep counts as a scream... yeah I think it was intense enough to call it a scream... half asleep scream
I still remember that other time when similarly I awake from a dream crying and feeling miserable. 
For a couple of weeks I started to consider writing suicide notes as a hobby. However, I don't consider of concern this particular issue, but I admit it is a little weird. 

Right now, the time is 13:28 and I'm feeling... alright I guess.

The one and only thing that I could consider or identify  as bothering me in this moment is not knowing if anything will happen with him, but this "consternation" is fleeting. I'm conscious that I cling to that matter because it amuses me thou'...

The strange comes when I have to point out that I'm feeling anxious, very anxious. But I have no idea why...

On a side note, I'm willing to retake my twisted themed drawings. I think its a more honest way of drawing and right now I need to do that...
I still draw like this but only in my personal and "paper based" journal so they are not for the public eye (laugh at this please). Now, besides the supposed therapeutic purposes I think it will serve,  I'm planning to do more oh these to  disturb and delight my acquaintances by showing them these. 

Ha Ha

I'm scared.
I always am.
I'm surprised I can live with so much fear. 
While it's not a surprise that I live like I do. Without doing nothing really.
Just... attending to classes... Language, music and major related ...but just classes in the end. 
The thing is, when I'm with him, I can't think like I always do. I can make jokes because it's my way to release all the tension I get from being with him, but my mind goes all screwed up. I can't talk seriously and all my answers turn out plain stupid. I'm not sure why. 
But at least I think it got better... just a little. 
Could it be? 
That he scares me?
Wouldn't be so strange, a lot of things scare me.

I'm not in a mood.

Not sad, nor happy, or angry or excited. I just don't feel anything.

Maybe I get melancholic every little while. But that's all. 

And I don't get tired of writing it:
I have nothing to offer to anyone; maybe that's why I'm getting lonelier and lonelier.

I miss my friends. I really do.

non-stylish people

Seems like I just can't get the grip on suits. I'm still a monkey. But it most be due to the lack of references. Ugh
Also, it looks as if he was walking.
Lol

As the time goes by, I keep thinking of the things I have said to different people. Last night I was just thinking on that time when I was telling to Midori how I'm not really aware of what I like in boys. That time, I sort of figured out that, whether it makes them complete douchebags or not, I feel attracted by men who can shut me up, or make me quiet. This is because I talk too much, and for some reason it leads people to think that therefore, I'm a smart person, or a really smart person, so they usually just keep quiet while I keep talking, but this is mostly because they simply don't want to start an argue though; this is why I get bored of some people. They are never able to refute what I say or at least they don't even try. So it is indeed a big and great surprise when I bump into someone able to shush me up, to remark how I'm saying nonsenses. Whenever this happens I immediately think that person is gutsy or actually smart. Then I get interested. 
Too bad for me, it always end up with that person being really out of my league. But that doesn't stop me from getting excited every time some stranger corrects my words and points out my shenanigans.

please be my friend

I usually need to talk with people about my personal issues, but I rarely ask for advice, I'm not really interested on what people think I should do or whatever they think about what I tell them. 

Still I'm often looking for someone willing to listen to me, I do it because I need to express it, to let it out because somehow that helps me, when I talk about something, it's like if I wasn't the one talking, but as if I was the one listening, that gives me a different perspective of it. Gives me ideas of what I need to do. At the end is always all aboutme.

I rarely ask or listen to other's advice because of my tendency to underestimate the others. If I look for opinions then those which I carefully will listen to must belong to someone very special to me, special in a certain and particular way, although those ways can be all resumed in respect. If I respect a person, then it means I respect him because I recognize that person as superior to me, either way this superiority is, it means a lot to me, because that leads to me to think that I can learn something from that person, thus I want to listen to what that person has to say. His or her opinion, thoughts become valuable to me. This is something somewhat troublesome because It is not easy to tell to my friends and acquaintances  "hey, shut up, just listen to what I have to say, nothing else; for I think you are too dumb to give me any piece of advice".

-Yep, that is usually what I think of most people "shut up, you don't know shit about what you are talking about" That would explain why I get bored of other's company, and eventually this gets tiring, mostly because I tend to yell at people when I consider they are talking shenanigans. That makes me a really annoying girl.-

A friend... or acquaintance of mine, does not believe I'm a bitch. Maybe she is right, on the surface. I always step aside from problems, inconvenient problems. That's why I don't tell what I really think to others, because I know eventually I could need them. Of course I wouldn't admit it to anyone. That's why only my best friend knows it. I think he consider this as in fact, a really sad truth. He's right but it is also a painful truth, that I seem to be unable to socialize because of it. I get bored of people who cannot teach me something valuable, I get frustrated when I'm the only one who has something to teach to others.

I guess that's why I get easily obsessed with the few interesting people I manage to interact with. They are rare, therefore precious in my life. Sadly enough, I'm never able to keep in touch with them. Some time ago I concluded that it was because I'm not a very interesting or intriguing person. That being the most ironic fact about myself.

I wonder, if some day will I bump into a person who qualifies for what I ask. Interesting enough to keep me entertained and interested in me enough to stay by my side, or if I should make my mind to the idea of staying alone in the darkness for being such an arrogant bitch.

Probably I should get a couple of pets.