I'll draw fucked up shit again! On purpose! And you will like it or else...!

I think my mind needs another ways of release my frustration. 

I've had enough with nightmares, extreme anxiety and night depression... so I thought on doing the same I did when (as I told to a friend) my best friend left in order to follow her own ninja way. 

 I remember at that time I started to draw a lot, three or more sketches per day. I even started to date each sketch I made because I wanted to keep track of my grief stages.It wasn't on purpose but a symptom of anxiety.

I'm no good at saying good-bye when I don't want to, but more than a year has passed... and the last one of my beloved friends is starting to get away. So I feel like soon I'll be facing one more set of stages. 

I keep thinking that it sucks when someone else has to tell you the obvious: It'll get worse. 

Last week I tried to call one of them. Must be that I'm turning paranoid but now I wonder if he really couldn't hear me or if he was faking. I try to dispose that kind of thought because of how stupid and  improbable it sounds. Still, for a minute I thought I heard one more voice in the room. I freaked out. Does he still visit them? Do they hang along while I'm here alone with my sadness? Why none of them told me what I did wrong? 

So the only thing I could think of doing was to ask him if he had some spare time. I didn't told him why though... that must be why even when I just intended to speak with him I ended up forgetting the whole "I miss my friends" matter. 

Speaking of which, I had a great time. I think this last time we met was the only one I got to listen to him as he is as a friend. And it made me very happy... because I'm a ridiculous person.
I still wonder why he suddenly was so open with me. That and I think I screwed it up... again. I blame the fever I got but I cannot turn all the fault on it. I hate this part of me. I think I have to accept that I'm just too clumsy to interact with people (specially with people I like) and I have no idea how to handle it. 

Back to the main point. I thought that I could try and externalize all the shit I got inside of my mind and see if that helps me to overcome it. 

Because yeah, sure, I could just go find a psychologist or new friends but, why bother when I can keep insisting on doing it by my self? So I'll just keep doing creepy and not-very-original drawings with very personal meanings and shit...

I hate to be so needy.

It's missing red

I don't know what's going on anymore. At morning I'm OK just like any other person. Living the life, watching TV, doing my homework, talking with my friends, etc. But as soon as night falls and I find my self alone and in the silence of everyone else's slumber my humor starts to degrade. My thoughts go to a darker place and I start to recall all my frustrations.  And I simply cannot deal with them. 

Last week I had a nightmare, apparently the fear it conveyed to me was so intense I suddenly awake, in the middle of a scream. If that sort of moaning you manage to make when you're half asleep counts as a scream... yeah I think it was intense enough to call it a scream... half asleep scream
I still remember that other time when similarly I awake from a dream crying and feeling miserable. 
For a couple of weeks I started to consider writing suicide notes as a hobby. However, I don't consider of concern this particular issue, but I admit it is a little weird. 

Right now, the time is 13:28 and I'm feeling... alright I guess.

The one and only thing that I could consider or identify  as bothering me in this moment is not knowing if anything will happen with him, but this "consternation" is fleeting. I'm conscious that I cling to that matter because it amuses me thou'...

The strange comes when I have to point out that I'm feeling anxious, very anxious. But I have no idea why...

On a side note, I'm willing to retake my twisted themed drawings. I think its a more honest way of drawing and right now I need to do that...
I still draw like this but only in my personal and "paper based" journal so they are not for the public eye (laugh at this please). Now, besides the supposed therapeutic purposes I think it will serve,  I'm planning to do more oh these to  disturb and delight my acquaintances by showing them these. 

Ha Ha

I'm scared.
I always am.
I'm surprised I can live with so much fear. 
While it's not a surprise that I live like I do. Without doing nothing really.
Just... attending to classes... Language, music and major related ...but just classes in the end. 
The thing is, when I'm with him, I can't think like I always do. I can make jokes because it's my way to release all the tension I get from being with him, but my mind goes all screwed up. I can't talk seriously and all my answers turn out plain stupid. I'm not sure why. 
But at least I think it got better... just a little. 
Could it be? 
That he scares me?
Wouldn't be so strange, a lot of things scare me.

I'm not in a mood.

Not sad, nor happy, or angry or excited. I just don't feel anything.

Maybe I get melancholic every little while. But that's all. 

And I don't get tired of writing it:
I have nothing to offer to anyone; maybe that's why I'm getting lonelier and lonelier.

I miss my friends. I really do.

non-stylish people

Seems like I just can't get the grip on suits. I'm still a monkey. But it most be due to the lack of references. Ugh
Also, it looks as if he was walking.
Lol

As the time goes by, I keep thinking of the things I have said to different people. Last night I was just thinking on that time when I was telling to Midori how I'm not really aware of what I like in boys. That time, I sort of figured out that, whether it makes them complete douchebags or not, I feel attracted by men who can shut me up, or make me quiet. This is because I talk too much, and for some reason it leads people to think that therefore, I'm a smart person, or a really smart person, so they usually just keep quiet while I keep talking, but this is mostly because they simply don't want to start an argue though; this is why I get bored of some people. They are never able to refute what I say or at least they don't even try. So it is indeed a big and great surprise when I bump into someone able to shush me up, to remark how I'm saying nonsenses. Whenever this happens I immediately think that person is gutsy or actually smart. Then I get interested. 
Too bad for me, it always end up with that person being really out of my league. But that doesn't stop me from getting excited every time some stranger corrects my words and points out my shenanigans.

please be my friend

I usually need to talk with people about my personal issues, but I rarely ask for advice, I'm not really interested on what people think I should do or whatever they think about what I tell them. 

Still I'm often looking for someone willing to listen to me, I do it because I need to express it, to let it out because somehow that helps me, when I talk about something, it's like if I wasn't the one talking, but as if I was the one listening, that gives me a different perspective of it. Gives me ideas of what I need to do. At the end is always all aboutme.

I rarely ask or listen to other's advice because of my tendency to underestimate the others. If I look for opinions then those which I carefully will listen to must belong to someone very special to me, special in a certain and particular way, although those ways can be all resumed in respect. If I respect a person, then it means I respect him because I recognize that person as superior to me, either way this superiority is, it means a lot to me, because that leads to me to think that I can learn something from that person, thus I want to listen to what that person has to say. His or her opinion, thoughts become valuable to me. This is something somewhat troublesome because It is not easy to tell to my friends and acquaintances  "hey, shut up, just listen to what I have to say, nothing else; for I think you are too dumb to give me any piece of advice".

-Yep, that is usually what I think of most people "shut up, you don't know shit about what you are talking about" That would explain why I get bored of other's company, and eventually this gets tiring, mostly because I tend to yell at people when I consider they are talking shenanigans. That makes me a really annoying girl.-

A friend... or acquaintance of mine, does not believe I'm a bitch. Maybe she is right, on the surface. I always step aside from problems, inconvenient problems. That's why I don't tell what I really think to others, because I know eventually I could need them. Of course I wouldn't admit it to anyone. That's why only my best friend knows it. I think he consider this as in fact, a really sad truth. He's right but it is also a painful truth, that I seem to be unable to socialize because of it. I get bored of people who cannot teach me something valuable, I get frustrated when I'm the only one who has something to teach to others.

I guess that's why I get easily obsessed with the few interesting people I manage to interact with. They are rare, therefore precious in my life. Sadly enough, I'm never able to keep in touch with them. Some time ago I concluded that it was because I'm not a very interesting or intriguing person. That being the most ironic fact about myself.

I wonder, if some day will I bump into a person who qualifies for what I ask. Interesting enough to keep me entertained and interested in me enough to stay by my side, or if I should make my mind to the idea of staying alone in the darkness for being such an arrogant bitch.

Probably I should get a couple of pets.

Good-bye moominland

She's leaving.

I can't believe it.

I'm happy for her, I won't deny it, but it seems so... unreal. It seems like the kind of things that are only possible in a soap opera, or an anime.

I accept that by doing this I'm being hypocrite, all this time I was able to meet with her and I didn't but know that she will go away, immediately I have this urge to see her and give her a drawing.

I don't give my drawings for free, not anymore. I don't know if somebody will ever be willing to pay in exchange for one of my pieces but right know, I'm doing it because is the least I can do for her, even if it is meaningless for her in comparison to me. 

I hope she finds everything she wanted since I met her, I hope she invites me one day XD

Dunno, I'm genuinely happy about her. I guess it gives me hope, nevertheless I know what the hall do I want or not.  

Meanwhile, I just have four days left to finish it and I simply started about one hour ago. I'm planning on doing it lineart-based mostly. 

About my mood... I 'm not sure if I'm getting better or worse. It is not clear. Maybe I'm back to normal, that would explain the emotional ups and downs.

I wish I had someone who would listen to me anytime I needed it. Anytime.

Dear dear hiatus

 

I realized I haven't drawn anything for a month.

Holy fuck.

So I quickly came out with this big-handed gal while I was waiting for a class to start. 
Needless to say that I'm still very attached to my comfort zone.... and that I have a strange fixation on alcohol while I myself am not a beer fan, nor of vodka, whiskey, rum, or anything that's not wine.

Recently I had the chance to talk with someone about my lately depressive mood. I presume that was a part of what I need to deal with it.
I'm running out of friends, and I'm not happy about it but I think the sadness will eventually go away, It has happened before, it will happen again.

Mi última y única obra de vacaciones

Como soy muy floja, preferí tomarle una foto.
Claro que, llegar a esa decisión me tomó semanas...

No pude evitarlo... son las piernas más buenotas que he dibujado en toda mi vida.
***Lástima lo del resto del cuerpo =/

Ps ando viendo cómo poner el color y ... creo que todavía no tengo ni idea de cómo se hace eso

Hoy me encontré esto mientras limpiaba mi PC... wtf?

No name

Ella me gusta. Es de esos personajes que hice hace mucho mucho tiempo. Bueno...como seis años en realidad. 
Aunque no tiene nombre ni un trajecito fijo me gusta mucho dibujarla. Ahora tengo que limpiarla. A aunque me da tanta flojera que tal vez me decida por tomarle una foto.

el inufan

 

Ando tratando de terminar esto... hay muchas cosas raras, pero culminarlo será super wow para mis ánimos...

Este es el avance de hoy