The good doctor told me I have to accept that friends come an go, that not everyone will have time whenever I want them to. I know that, I've been trying to cope with that since I got out f high school. Still, I think I didn't want it to be real in front of my eyes, that's why when the brothers stopped talking to me was so painful. I decided to clench to him, I'll admit that much. I decided he was my best friend and so I would never let him go, because I didn't want to, because I was convinced I needed him so I wouldn't collapse. Not completely at least.
As always, someone else's words came crashing into me. I can't rely on him forever. I can say he's my best friend all I want but he wont stay forever, he has a life of his own, has a loving family and stuff, has other friends, other interests, other direction. I don't even know what my direction is yet. At this point I'm just some people occasional concern and as I grow older, it gets more and more uncomfortable. I don't want that, no one wants that.
Some time ago I thought I'm no material for a relationship, I'm still at it. I'm too childish, immature, unreliable, dependent; if I was still in my teens that wouldn't be so bad but... I'm not. At my age, I think I couldn't manage to get along with what a relationship would demand of someone my age. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I can't possibly think my life being with anyone.
I used to think that as long as I was with my friends I wouldn't need any other person in my life, that was when I turned my back on my family. The only thing that has changed since then, was that my friends are now different people. I get it, it's the natural flow of things, you make new acquaintances as you go. I don't like it. I'll start to accept it. To deal with it. To live with it.
I thought I was doing it as well as one could expect but in recent days, I learned from my friends that I talk in my sleep. Fuck. I talk in my sleep. One thing I always thought to be the very sign of someone's mind getting fucked up. I talk in my sleep, I scream and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I wonder if it has something to do with what all of these, besides of course, the fact that I practically have finished my major and still have no idea of what I'll be doing with my stupid life. My plans didn't go this far.
So... currently I'm trying not to think too much about it. I get out, try to get more sociable, talk more, smile more.
I haven't talked to him... I don't know for how many days... He hasn't answered my - only - call nor my messages. For the third time. I'm tired. I want to give up. I don't really care what his reasons are. I've tried to be understanding. Fuck it. I'm tired of being always the only one who calls, the one who writes. I know I'm the only one who have so much free time and is almost responsibilities free, but I can't help but feel a little alone, even forgotten, but is as things must be. We're individuals after all. I feel as if the world is trying to kill me from inside or maybe I've read to many fairy tales. I have to learn to let go. This shit is already expiring. I keep thinking this is what happens with everybody else who is looking desperately for a lover: They are actually looking for a never ending friendship.
But there's also the possibility that I'm being too pessimistic. Who knows.
Well, this is what it has become.
My friends won't be the most important thing i my life. I guess it should be me now. Me and only me. No more attachment. I tried it before and it only brought me nightmares, night sadness, stress, the loss of most of my hair and depression in general.
I feel mad. At the good doctor, at my friends, at my family, at my self. Let's see if I start to appreciate moments and experiences more than people.
This is me being overly dramatic. Drama will kill me some day. Figuratively, literally, both. I guess.
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